Am I Going Crazy???

For those with weak stomachs, turn back now. This is woman-issues territory.

And don't read and complain because I am so bitchy right now that I could tear your head off.




I don't understand what is going on. I mean, seriously. I am a regular woman. I have my regular cycle. It is like clockwork, almost down to the same start time during the day.

But it slowly started to shift. I'm alright with a slow shift. Thursday morning instead of Wednesday afternoon. Thursday afternoon instead of Thursday morning.

Then, in May, it shifted. A lot. I was a few days late. Sunday, instead of Thursday. Two weeks prior to starting, I had begun getting major pains. Enlarged, swollen, tender breasts. My nipples hurt as if Big Ed had bitten them as hard as he could without drawing blood. For two fucking weeks. Smells - oh gawd - a woman's sense of smell is sharpened when she is on her period. A week before I started, I could smell every tiny little old scent in the house and food made me nauseated. Then I started late.

It was, other than the above mentioned issues, normal. It lasted for about 3 or 4 days, relatively normal; slightly heavy down to nothing. Fine. No biggie.

June came along. Count out 28days from the day I started in May. Curve ball! Guess what? I was a week EARLY. And again, tender swollen breasts. Sensitivity to smells. Migraines. And, again, relatively normal flow, if not on the heavy side.

This time around, I planned for it to be a week early. Lucky me, I was right. It all begins with Monday. A little nausea never killed anybody, though. Tuesday, I figured the lack of sleep would help me sleep through the night. Normally, when I am about to start, or on my period, I can't stay asleep through the night. Seems I was wrong that staying up later would help. Wednesday, well, let's bring on the pain! Big Ed didn't believe that I was hurting. So he bit me. I screamed, his ears hurt. Next time I say my boobs hurt, I think he will listen. Thursday was the Day of the Migraine. I took a nap when I got home. Big mistake. Could NOT sleep last night. Not to mention I also had (and still have) heartburn from Hell. The mere thought of food and my throat closes.

Which is why I'm starving. I need food, but nothing sounds appetizing.

Oh, and Thursday is when the blood began to flow. Well, technically Friday morning at 1am, but still. And, well, I said a week early, it was really only a few days early this time. Thursday/Friday instead of Sunday.

And the extreme moodiness hit hard this month too. I've tried to hide it. I don't know how well. Sunday, I let Willow cut my watermelon. She completely cut it. Into cubes. And put it in a bowl. Which is wrong. And it pissed me off. But it shouldn't have made me as mad as I was. So I held my tongue. I tried to be good. I knew it was the hormones. Then, the other night, I ate the last of the watermelon. I knew I shouldn't have eaten ALL of it, I knew I should have put a portion on a plate and been done with it, but I wanted watermelon. I had been craving it all day. So I just took a fork out and began munching while I cooked. Next thing I knew, it was down to one last piece! She came over, grabbed a bowl, and started to reach for the watermelon, but found an empty bowl. I had a thought, and I knew it was the hormones talking, and I scolded myself for it. "Well, serves her right for ruining the watermelon!"

Hormones can be a bitch.

And, no, I'm not pregnant. At least, how can I be, with normal flow periods?

I like how my mom put it: "Maybe your body is telling you that it is time to be pregnant."
Yea, thanks, Mom.

And Big Ed is slowly moving to the other side of the line with my sisters? "Maybe you could be pregnant?" No. No. NO!

Because I would know. I should know, damnit! And because if I were, even through all this fucked up shit, it would mean I failed. I don't like that thought.